Stephen L. Goldstein: Marco Rubio has a cure for hemorrhoids and all of America’s ills

What do Preparation H and Florida’s U.S. Sen. Marco Rubio have in common? Nothing! But if he thought he could turn curing hemorrhoids to his political advantage, he’d claim to have come up with a plan faster than you could say, “Cuba , Castro no!”

Laughably uninformed, he’s nonetheless convinced himself and (what’s left of) his Tea Party supporters that he has been endowed by his creator with the wisdom, fortitude, and chutzpah to know how to solve everything that ails America, the planet, and outer reaches of space.

Rubio’s like the one kid in every class who always turns in extra credit assignments. If ignorance is bliss, Marco has got to be in ecstasy — or maybe just on it. As soon as he was elected to the U.S. Senate, he became a presidential contender, savior of the GOP — photogenic, bilingual, Cuban American, Tea Party favorite. He had it all.

Day by day, the solon’s had an opinion on every subject and a plan for every eventuality — or so he’s thought and the news media have been quick to quote. If it’s Tuesday, this must be Rubio Pronouncement Day on raising the retirement age.

If it’s Wednesday, it’s time to end Medicare and Social Security as we know them. If it’s Thursday, it’s strategic to reassure his anti-abortion supporters that medical “science” confirms that life begins at conception. The beat’s gone on. He’s on such a high, he now says he’s ready to be president.

But now Marco’s lucky if he’s elected president of the Flat Earth Society. The same week a torrent of scientific evidence and reports confirmed that the climate change crisis is not looming, but already with us, Rubio declared that he doesn’t believe human behavior contributes to global warming.

“I do not believe that human activity is causing these dramatic changes to our climate the way these scientists are portraying it. I don’t agree with the notion that some are putting out there, including scientists, that somehow there are actions we can take today that would actually have an impact on what’s happening in our climate.

“Our climate is always changing. And what they have chosen to do is take a handful of decades of research and say that this is now evidence of a longer-term trend that’s directly and almost solely attributable to manmade activity. I do not agree with that.”

Timing is all — and Marco fumbled badly, politically fatally. Ignorance is starting to look more like poetic justice than bliss. The know-it-all turned into a know-nothing. Rubio marginalized himself. He will continue his run for the White House, but he is now among the laughing-stock of wannabes.

The Dictionary of American Political Bullshit sums up his fatal flaw: “Beware of politicians bearing plans . . . [who] claim to have magic wands that will undo the mistakes of the past and lead into the promised land of prosperity.” They “strut their plans like the emperor wearing his new clothes. But there’s no one watching to say, ‘But you can’t do anything without Congress. Your plan is bullshit.’ “

From global warming to human reproduction, there’s no Preparation H to save a politician-on-the-make from his political miscalculations, except preparation — and himself. Rubio’s too far gone: “Climate change, , Marco, no!”

Stephen L. Goldstein is the author of “The Dictionary of American Political Bullshit” and “Atlas Drugged: Ayn Rand Be Damned.” He lives in Fort Lauderdale. Column courtesy of Context Florida.

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