Darryl PaulsonSecond of a four-part series on political humor
It’s no wonder that politics and politicians are held in such low esteem. Consider some of these absurd statements made by state legislators and members of Congress.
A member of Congress was quoted as saying: “We’re going to wrestle to the ground this gigantic orgasm that is out of control.” He was talking about the federal budget deficit. I’m not sure about the relationship between the deficit and orgasms, and I’m not sure I want to know.
Another member of Congress commented that, “These numbers are not my own. They come from someone who knows what he is talking about.”
A member of the Florida Legislature told colleagues that he “was for the death penalty, as long as it’s not too severe.” Another member of the Legislature described his predicament on an upcoming vote by saying he “was caught between the dog and the fire hydrant on this vote.”
Members are often torn on upcoming votes. One legislator said “I’m not confused on that; it’s just that I’m too busy to think.”
Another observed that “there’s a 999 chance out of a100 that I will support the bill.” A third legislator knew exactly what should be done. “There comes a time to put principle aside and do what’s right.”
Two of my favorite statements come from members of the Wisconsin Legislature. “As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in Wisconsin.” Apparently these suppositories were going to be marketed under the You Light Up My Life label.
Another Wisconsin legislator, concerned about businesses fleeing the state, told fellow legislators that “If we don’t pass this bill, we will force businesses all over the state to defecate to Illinois.” As Will Rogers used to say, “I don’t make this stuff up. I just read the papers and report what they say.”
Not only do politicians say some crazy things, they also pass a lot of loony laws. Some of the loony laws relate to legislatures trying to regulate morality. My favorite morality law was passed by the Kentucky Legislature.
According to the Kentucky law, nudist colonies had to build fences 20 feet high out of stone or cement. “Also, members of the legislature shall inspect the fences on a regular basis.” I understand they never had a problem getting fence inspectors.
Some looney laws are just poorly worded, such as the California law that requires “no dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.” I can just picture that poodle walking its master.
Another poorly worded statute is the Idaho law that prohibited the carrying of concealed weapons unless the weapons were exhibited to the public view. My favorite poorly worded law is the Texas law that requires when “two trains meet at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.” Think about it!
A final category features statutes that leave you wondering what the legislature was trying to do. For example, it is illegal to catch a whale in Oklahoma. I mean, I’m all for the environment, but I can’t imagine this is a problem in Oklahoma.
In 1994, the Missouri Legislature actually passed a law that unintentionally outlawed sex. I always thought Missouri was supposed to be the “Show Me” state?
Florida has a number of crazy laws. Rats, for example, are prohibited from leaving ships docked in Tampa Bay. It is also illegal in Florida for people to have sex with porcupines. Somehow, I can’t imagine that this is a major problem confronting Floridians.
One of my favorite laws is one proposed in England, but not yet passed. It would require dog food makers to make phosphorescent dog food so that people won’t step in doggie doo at night.
Next: Republican and Democratic humor.
