Darryl PaulsonThird of a four-part series on political humor.
Like most Americans, I am often confused about my own political orientations. Although a life-long Republican, I have been asked twice by Democrats to run for office. I have been a Fellow at the conservative Heritage Foundation and hired a half dozen times by the liberal NAACP as an expert on voting rights.
I’m so confused about my own political orientations that I don’t know whether to get out of the right or left side of the bed. To avoid confusion, I simply stay in bed all day.
I do relate to both political parties. I eat like an elephant and act like a jackass. After 35 years as a professor of government, I have developed some useful guidelines for telling the difference between Democrats and Republicans.
Democrats name their children after popular sports figures, entertainers or politicians. Republicans name their children after their parents or grandparents, depending on where the money is.
Democrats grow shaggy beards. Republicans have trimmed mustaches. Check out my photo.
Democrats make careful plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandparents made.
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned. Republicans organize censorship committees and read them as a group.
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason they should. Democrats should lower their shades, but never do.
Republicans sleep in twin beds or separate rooms. Democrats sleep anywhere with anyone. This is why there are more Democrats.
When Republicans hear Marx, they think Groucho. Democrats think of Karl.
Republicans are pro-life, but support the death penalty. Democrats are pro-choice, except when it involves vouchers and the public schools.
Adlai Stevenson, twice the Democratic nominee for president, was known for giving long and substantive talks on major policy issues. After one such speech, a woman gushed to Stevenson. “Governor, your talk was magnificent. You’ll get the vote of every thinking American.” Stevenson responded: “Madam, that’s not enough. I need a majority.”
Teddy Roosevelt was giving a speech and was constantly interrupted by a man shouting, “I’m a Democrat.” Roosevelt asked the man why he was a Democrat. The man said, “My grandfather was a Democrat, my father was a Democrat and I’m a Democrat.
Roosevelt questioned the heckler’s logic by responding: “What if your father and grandfather had been jackasses? What would that make you?” The heckler immediately responded, “That would make me a Republican.”
When a Democratic candidate spoke to an audience, he said, “permit me to tax your memories.” Someone in the audience quickly responded, “Gee, we should have known that Democrats would get around to taxing that.”
A life-long Republican was close to death. He called his son and asked him to take him down to the Supervisor of Elections office so that he could change his party registration to a Democrat.
“Dad, you’ve been a Republican all your life. Why in the world do you want to become a Democrat?” His father replied, “Son, if someone has to die, it might as well be a Democrat!”
Most Americans consider themselves to be moderate or in the middle-of-the-road. However, as party activists point out, the only thing you find in the middle-of-the-road is yellow stripes and dead skunks.
However you may feel, I am a strong supporter of the two-party system. I will party Friday night and party again on Saturday.
Next: presidential humor
