John Grant: If I retire to Mexico, I want free medical care and, and, and….

 One of these days I am going to get around to retiring and I have been considering places to live out my golden days.

I have looked at AARP’s most desirable places and other lists as well. With the skyrocketing national debt, I have even considered moving to another country. I have been doing my due diligence, writing to the chambers of commerce and others.

I have my eyes on Mexico. The climate is nice and I like the food. But, I really want to know how I will be treated as an American alien. So I have drafted a letter to the President of Mexico telling him how I expect to be treated as a resident of his country.

Dear Mr. President:

I’m planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my retirement, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We’re planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we’ll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I’m sure you handle those things the same way we do here for those emigrating from your country.

Please know what I will be expecting the following immediately upon my arrival:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Printing of all Mexican government forms in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.

5. I want your schools to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flagpoles at their school.

7. Schools should feed my grandkids at school both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but I don’t plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won’t make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my housetop, put U.S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. I expect all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I’ll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I’ll need income tax credits so that although I don’t pay Mexican taxes, I’ll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Government pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I’ll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because America already does all these things for all your people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that you will reciprocate.

Thank you in advance, Mr. President, for your impending hospitality.

Well, I just read and re-read my letter and am not going to mail it. It looks crazy when it’s put in writing.

No government in its right mind would ever do all or any of that. So, I am tearing up my letter and staying where I am in the good old US of A.

That’s My Opinion and I am sticking to it.

John Grant is a political columnist who served 21 years in the Florida Legislature and now practices estate planning law in Tampa. He can be reached at [email protected] Column courtesy of Context Florida.