Diane RobertsA College Republican Speaks:
So, OK, chicks. I mean, girls, um, WOMEN. That’s it. Women. They don’t vote for us. We need to make them vote for us. So we’re targeting some campaign spots, spots focusing on the sh–, the stuff, girls like. I mean, women.
Like this genius wedding dress ad for the Florida guv’s race. It was Chad’s idea. Unless it was his girlfriend’s. Madison. Addison. Whatever that chick’s name is.
Anyway, this babe, um, girl, “Brittany” is at the store picking out her wedding dress with her mom and her friends and she tries on this awesome one that’s strapless and makes her look hawt. It’s called “the Rick Scott.”
“Britanny” is like, “The Rick Scott is perfect!” But her mom is like, “No, I like the Charlie Crist,” and insists she get this dorky dress which is all high up here and loose there and covered in beads and bows and crap and makes her look fat. The mom goes, “It’s expensive and a little outdated, but I know best!”
“Brittany” has this look on her face like she’s about to hurl. Her Maid of Honor, “Tiffani” is like, “We cannot let her walk out of the voting booth like that!”
Finally, “Brittany” says “yes to Rick Scott!” The chicks pop champagne bottles, and hey, screw you, Democrat-voter commie mom!
Seriously, why do people say Republicans don’t get women? We totally love women! Especially if they’re cute. We like black people, also. Except Barry Hussein O’Blahblah. “Tiffani,” “Brittany’s” Maid of Honor is a black chick. Cute, too.
Which totally shows that we are not racists. It’s just wrong to think that Republicans have a “tin ear” when it comes to women and minorities. Also, what is a “tin ear”? OK, whatever.
We can prove we’re not clueless. There’s this other righteous new campaign: “Republicans Are People, Too”
Lots of girls — women! — in it. And People of Color. There’s a picture of this white lady with a caption: “Republicans are White” and another lady, a black lady, which says, “Republicans are Black.” And a lady who is supposedly “Hispanic,” but she looks pretty normal to me. Other pictures show other minority groups: Prius drivers, recyclers, Trader Joe’s shoppers, people with tattoos. Real tattoos, not the temporary ones.
The LameStream media claims they’re all stock photos. Like these people aren’t real. Or even real Republicans!
Some website “discovered” that the black lady shows up in ads for a Christian Counseling Center, an engineering course, fashionable glasses, and the Georgia Association of Black Women Attorneys.
But so what? Republicans are hella talented and often work more than one job. We believe in free enterprise and hard work!
Besides, do you know how hard it is to go out and find an actual man who drives a Prius, and also loves America? Ditto the recycling. Also, we were kind of in a hurry.
The people bitching about this stuff are a-holes who hate our freedoms. People like Charlie Crist. Dude’s a party switcher. I mean, what would you think of somebody who pledged SAE but then goes, like, “Oh, now I’m going to be a Sigma Chi.” Or somebody who says, “I’m totally cutting the education budget, because, you know, the teachers union,” then goes, “Hey, I’m going to give education all this money, if you re-elect me!”
Oh, wait. Chad says I have to delete that….something about what Rick Scott did.
Anyway, back to this War on Women deal. The socialists and their Obama phone-using, abortiony welfare loser gay open-border friends think that Republicans want girls to stay home and not work. Also look pretty and not have sex.
Diane Roberts lives in Tallahassee. Column courtesy of Context Florida.
