Daniel TilsonThe tall, thin man stood surveying the inside of the giant warehouse full of forgotten, misbegotten and just plain old rotten rejects and has-beens. He stood frozen a few moments before looking up at countless 50-foot-high rows of hopelessly overloaded dark metal shelving and storage units as far as the eye could see. His head swiveled far left, paused, then slowly began rotating right.
The only other person in the building was the young woman waiting and watching from the open doorway directly behind him. Watching his head do the slow, steady 180-degree turn reminded her of the “real-life” audio-animatronic characters she’d seen on a recent Disney World visit.
Just then, a beam of fluorescent light reflected off the man’s big, bald, rotating head, blinding her for a moment. “Oh, my!” she chirped in surprise, covering her eyes — and startling the man.
He spun around sounding impatient, irritated. “What was that?”
“I’m sorry sir, um, Mr. Governor, sir, something in my eye, I don’t —”
“OK, OK — so how do we find my Magical Mystery Tax Cut Calculator, for crying out loud? Session’s over, star-of-the-game game face is back on, and my big Victory Tour is this week! What do we do?”
“Well, sir … um … we, uhh …” stalled the slender blonde, nervously scanning and turning the pages on the clipboard she clutched, fingertip and eyeballs racing madly up and down the pages as she silently prayed a moment.
After about 10 seconds the governor strode over, grabbed away the clipboard, and started doing exactly what the woman had been doing.
“So Pamela, how — ”
“That’s um, that’s Patricia, Mr. Governor …”
His eyes opened extra wide and bored into her. Then he broke into an awkward half-smile, and suddenly patted her on the back. She bit her lip to keep from jumping.
“Patricia, you came highly recommended by Melissa and other Louisiana friends. I know you want to help the work of great conservative governors like Bobby Jindal, Scott Walker and — ”
“And you, Mr. Governor!”
He grinned and handed the clipboard back. “Patty, that Tax Cut Calculator gizmo was a big hit in Tally this winter.” He scowled. “What do we do without it?”
“Well, Mr. Governor … what about a different gimmick?”
“What’d you have in mind…,” he said chuckling, “… some Jindal math?”
“Sir?”
He jabbed down at her arm jokily with a sharp, bony elbow, and she grunted in pain. He smirked and spoke in a strange stage whisper. “Come on, Patricia, those swampy ‘Bayou Budgets’ of Bobby’s have more loopholes and handouts for special friends than the one they just passed in Tally. You must’ve had some great gizmos and brain games for the good people of Louisiana …”
“Well, Mr. Governor, um …”
He squeezed her arm and squinted down at her. “Pat, you’re on the team now, just call me …Governor Scott.”
She tried smiling, but her upper lip started twitching madly. She took two steps away from him, whipped out her iPhone and waved it overhead. “This can be your new gimmick!”
He frowned. “What? We’re not giving iPhones to — ”
“No Mr. Governor, big giveaways are for big, loyal donors — right? This giveaway’s just 20 bucks less a year in cell phone taxes for John Q. Public, right? So if it’s not big, make it cute! Make everybody hold up their phones and shout ‘Cut my taxes!’, or —“
Grinning again, the governor’s eyes filled with excitement. “Or, ‘Keep Florida Working!’ Yes, get business owners and school kids shouting ‘Cut my taxes!’ — some in Spanish maybe, wow — ”
“But Mr., uh, Governor Scott — school kids don’t pay taxes, and — ”
“And most of them have phones or speak Spanish, heck, we’ll work it out, Pam!”
Then he led the way out of the warehouse, patting Patricia on the back when passing her.
“Good work with the gimmick-save there, Pamela. Ever think about running for office?”
Daniel Tilson is a communications consultant and media producer specializing in online written and video content for nonprofits, small businesses, and political candidates/organizations/campaigns. You can follow him on Twitter @danieltilson. Column courtesy of Context Florida.
