Diane Roberts: Donald Trump and the crude, rude and stupid

Are you are one of those people convinced that Donald Trump is cahoots with Hillary Clinton, embracing ever-more extreme ideas guaranteed to get a Democrat elected in 2016?

If so, cease and desist. Donald Trump wants to be president. For real. He wants to show China who’s boss. He wants to “take out” the families of terrorists.

He may not know what the “nuclear triad” is (Marco Rubio explained it to him in the last debate: the US can fire missiles from silos, planes and subs), but he wants the world to know he’s cool with using nukes.  His spokesperson later harrumphed, “What good does it do to have a nuclear triad if you’re afraid to use it?”

Damn straight! If you don’t have the cojones to destroy the planet and every living thing on it, you shouldn’t be running.

And speaking of cojones, the way Trump intends to “make America great again” is by enshrining misogyny, sending women back where they belong: the bedroom and the beauty pageant. A piece of wisdom he once espoused says it all: “It really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”

Melania, you must be so proud.

Of course, Trump can’t achieve this yooge measure without first dispatching the uppity broads deflecting attention from his campaign. Time Magazine named German Chancellor Angela Merkel Person of the Year. As Trump tweeted, “I told you @TIME Magazine would never pick me as person of the year despite being the big favorite. They picked person who is ruining Germany.”

Germany with its first-rate transportation system, healthcare, compassionate policy toward refugees and strong economy. What a dump.

But Merkel is as nothing compared to That Hillary. She’s “low energy.” She “lies.” She wears pantsuits. She URINATES.

Oh, yes. She piddles. Trump pitched a hissy fit over Hillary Clinton’s totally unclassy bathroom break at the last Democratic debate. “It’s disgusting, I don’t want to talk about it,” he said. Then he proceeded to talk about it.

Mr. Trump seems to have led such a sheltered life that he was, until last week, unaware that women pee. He knows women menstruate, as demonstrated by his now-famous dig at Fox’s Megyn Kelly, whom he accused of having “blood coming out of her wherever.” But he missed the memo on chicks taking a whizz.

As far as he’s concerned, that vajayjay-apparatus is good for one thing and one thing only: to receive the, er, male member, which, in his case, is “long and beautiful.”

As if this weren’t enough, he said that in 2008 Clinton “was favored to win and got schlonged.”

“Schlong” is a noun, Yiddish from the Old High German for “snake.” Trump was using it the same way as the New York Post in that exquisite headline from 2011: “WEINER’S SWAN SCHLONG; HEAT’S ON TO QUIT AS PENIS PIC HITS THE ‘NET.”

Since Trump’s vulgarity threshold is so high as to be beyond the peak of Everest, he saw nothing wrong. Indeed, he said, some guy on NPR used the word! Other politicians have, too, or something close. Sen. Alfonse D’Amato of New York once called his rival Sen. Charles Schumer a “putzhead.” Scholars of Yiddish (which is rich in synonyms for “penis,” felt the correct term should be “schmuck.”

Trump has already confided that except for the inconvenient fact that he’s her father, he’d love to date his daughter Ivanka – what with her having “the best body.” He told a female lawyer who needed a courtroom break to pump breast milk for her newborn she was “disgusting.” Rosie O’Donnell is “fat and ugly.” Carly Fiorina is just ugly. New York Times columnist Gail Collins has “the face of a dog.”

Trump is a walking, ranting, preening embodiment of everything women in America have fought against since Abigail Adams exhorted her husband in 1776: “I desire you would remember the ladies and be more generous and favorable to them than your ancestors. Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the husbands. Remember, all men would be tyrants if they could.”

Trump is not “authentic.” He’s not “genuine.” His discourse is not some valiant attack on “political correctness.” It’s crude, rude and stupid. And we have 10 more months of it.

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Diane Roberts’s latest book is “Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America.” She teaches at Florida State University.

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