Guest AuthorColumns about running, written by runners, usually focus on the positive. We can’t help ourselves; newbies especially are like smitten teenagers eager to share with the world all the goodness we’ve just discovered.
“When I run through the fog, the dew collects on my eyelashes, feeling as though I’ve been kissed by a dozen angels … have I mentioned I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight?”
Oh sure, the author might skim over the usual litany of minor complaints – sore muscles, blisters, or decreased libido due to exhaustion.
But there is no real complaining, because these issues build character. Writers encourage everyone to see the value in deteriorating body parts because this proves that runners are tough, capable and, let’s face it, better than all the wimps out there watching television, eating potato chips, and complaining about fibro myalgia.
No doubt a consistent running program has a huge upside. Search “running benefits” and click on the top 200 results. Click on the images, too. You can see for yourself that physically, emotionally, cosmetically, and physiologically – running is an excellent way of life.
But it’s not all good news. Running can produce some unpleasant side effects, and if we’re going to be honest and encourage people to get off that couch and finish a 5K, we should cover all of what running is about. Not just what it does for our thighs.
Increased assertiveness. This is good news for wallflowers, but I’m already a handful. Running between 34-44 miles every week brings me to Defcon 1, where I can seriously take on the world and everyone in it.
Add in a few Tampa traffic jams and suddenly thermonuclear meltdowns are no longer so impressive.
That’s when my loved ones usually have to pull the emergency brake. An intervention via text message isn’t as fun without eyes rolling and passive aggressive smirks, but it can be just as effective. So when family and friends start avoiding me on Facebook, or my kids start comparing me to tiger moms, I dial it down a notch or five.
Although I do miss the averted eyes and nervous laughs at work.
Nasty toenails. In Florida, feet matter. We wear sandals to business meetings and flip-flops to church. My toes were once so cute, painted pink or red, and decorated with rings and sparkles. Now I have zombie feet. I know I’m supposed to be super proud of my black and blue digits, but they frighten little children and more than a few adults.
A fellow runner, who also happens to be a doctor, drilled a hole in both toenails to relieve the pressure. They might feel better now, but there is no cure for ugly.
Upside: I’m quite a hit at parties.
Digestion Issues. After a few weeks of running, your stomach will start speaking to you. And it’s not always polite. Then the upper intestines, lower intestines, and surrounding organs chime in. On a routine morning run, you feel a gas bubble erupt and suddenly you’re no longer a lady, you’re an embarrassed soon-to-be viral video in need of a washing machine and some bleach.
Aren’t you glad you decided to get healthy?
Keep wet wipes and a sense of humor handy. Consult a dietitian or ask your new friends in that running group for advice. You’ll never meet another group of people more interested in talking.
Running all the things! I’m a mom of teenage sons, so I campaign pretty regularly against 1) bathrooms that should be condemned by law and 2) all the endless, constant sniffing. “Blow your nose” is my mantra. If the contents of sinus cavities want to leave, it’s not polite or hot to sniff them back in and swallow. Not in my world.
However, when you start running, sinuses go rogue and there is very little you can do about it. Thank goodness for sleeves.And ladies, your nose isn’t the only body part where liquid can and will escape. Signals get confused, hormones are released and cycles once so regular you could set your mood swings by them are no longer coordinated. Sexy-time isn’t sexy when you need a tampon instead of a condom and he needs a support group.
It’s OK. When things get messy, tell Romeo to focus on your abs or arms. Eventually our cycles and hormones synch up again and regulate, with improved rock hard bodies as an added bonus. That’ll make him rock hard too.
That about covers it. I didn’t get into loose bowels, smaller breasts, or bulging veins, but you get the point. And as I said before, the good outweighs the bad – so bring some tissue wherever you go, kick it up a notch and get really healthy.
Let’s see what chafes next!
Catherine Durkin Robinson is a political advocate and organizer, living in Tampa.
