‘You’re not only handsome, but a powerful man’: Florida agencies suck up to their boss, Gov. DeSantis

Image via screenshot from Touchstone Pictures' Pretty Woman.

When Gov. Ron DeSantis unveiled his proposed 2021-22 budget Thursday it was akin to flashing the state credit card with a clarion call for everyone to see how much they could charge on it.

With a single press conference and a $96.6 billion budget, DeSantis suddenly became Richard Gere’s Edward Lewis in “Pretty Woman.” I’m reminded of the scene in which Lewis takes Vivan Ward, the gorgeous personal escort turned love interest played by Julia Roberts, to a swank boutique on Rodeo Drive after she was snubbed in another store that refused her service, implying the shop was too high-brow for a woman baring her midriff and sporting unruly (yet fabulous) curly red hair.

“Stores are never nice to people, they’re nice to credit cards,” Lewis assures a hesitant Ward.

Indeed the scene then shows Lewis, decked out in what is clearly a pricy suit, demand the boutique staff suck up, with promises to spend an “obscene” amount of money.

DeSantis has an obscene amount of money at his disposal and Thursday saw plenty of sucking up.

Agency after agency sent out press releases, all with varied measure of brown-nosing from thinly veiled to all caps, full-on ass-kissing.

Take Enterprise Florida for example. Perhaps no agency has more at stake than the state’s economic development arm, which has been under threat for years as zealous lawmakers seek time and time again to defund it. It’s no wonder they laid it on particularly thick.

“Gov. DeSantis has offered a clear-eyed spending plan that delivers for Florida. His budget reflects the same steady, thoughtful approach he has brought to the state’s reopening and economic recovery. This proposal sends a message that Florida is defying national trends and remains the best place for business.”

The kudos are in order. DeSantis’ budget proposal includes $50 million for the Job Growth Grant fund, a key part of Enterprise Florida’s operations. It also provides $5 million for the agency’s targeted campaigns, and millions more for projects that would help Enterprise Florida’s mission.

Yet look at the wording in Florida Secretary of Commerce and Enterprise Florida CEO Jamal Sowell’s quote. “Steady, thoughtful approach.” “Clear-eyed spending plan.”

The first is a nod to DeSantis’ repeated insistence that his methods managing the COVID-19 crisis, including a commitment to keeping the state’s economy open by rejecting calls for further precautionary measures like shutdowns, are working. The latter surely strokes DeSantis’ ego as he seeks to be seen as a fiscally conservative stalwart who finds creative ways to keep the economy afloat amid an unprecedented economic crisis.

Meanwhile, agencies like the Florida Department of Transportation and Department of Management Services threw in ALL CAPS subject lines in their emails announcing support for the Governor’s budget.

Look at me, Governor! I’m so pleased I’m SHOUTING with glee!

The Department of Management Services press release included not one, but two laudatory quotes from Secretary Jonathan Satter and the state’s Chief Information Officer, Jamie Grant, applauding DeSantis’ “decisive leadership” and “unwavering support.”

Now hand over that credit card and let us get to our Rodeo Drive shopping spree!

Even the Florida Division of Emergency Management sent out a public statement thanking DeSantis for his support. Worth noting, its Director, Jared Moskowitz, is a Democrat who has been careful not to criticize the Governor even as members of his own party have been relentless.

“In Gov. DeSantis’ budget recommendations, he has once again demonstrated dedication to Floridians by giving the Florida Division of Emergency Management the resources to help keep them safe from COVID-19 and helping them recover from disasters,” Moskowitz wrote.

Granted, this is a pretty standard soundbite, but it still includes a bit of ego padding and a nod to a “once again” demonstration of the Governor’s dedication to Floridians.

Meanwhile, the Agency for Persons with Disabilities dropped a buzzword likely to please DeSantis, noting that his budget proposal reflects his support for “vulnerable Floridians.” Note that DeSantis has spent the past several weeks touting his plan to provide vaccines first to Florida’s most vulnerable populations including seniors 65 and older and those with serious health conditions that put them most at risk for complications related to COVID-19.

Show us the plastic!

There were more. The Agency for Health Care Administration applauded DeSantis’ commitment to prioritizing patient-centered health care. The Department of Children and Families similarly thanked DeSantis for his leadership. Kudos also rolled in from the Office of Financial Regulation, the Department of Juvenile Justice and the Florida Department of Corrections.

Basically, Thursday showed a horde of Florida agencies became Larry Miller in that Rodeo Drive boutique, salivating at Edward Lewis and his near limitless credit card with dilated pupils turned to dollar signs.

But is it really so bad? After all, the taxpayers those agencies benefit — patients, kids, vulnerable Floridians, businesses — they’re all Vivian Ward, being doted upon and sucked up to after assuming their day would be spent bargain shopping off the strip.

It really is the perfect metaphor.