Julie DelegalIn public schools in Jacksonville, aggressors and defenders in schoolyard skirmishes are treated identically — most often with suspension. Duval County School Board Member Jason Fischer wants to change that. He wants potential victims to be spared punishment when they are defending themselves against an aggressor.
Fischer’s move to change the district’s code of conduct is gaining support from the National Association of People Against Bullying, according to the online education news outlet, The Cabinet Report.
The executive director of NAPB, Anna Mendez, whose son, Daniel, committed suicide within hours of being beaten up at school, decries violence while supporting measures like Fischer’s that permit self-defense. Take two minutes to watch and listen to what Daniel’s sister, Victoria Mendez, has to say about the bullying that indirectly killed her brother.
Her message? Adults don’t care, so kids need to stand up for each other.
Fischer’s proposed changes to the conduct code sound good, and could help non-aggressors by forcing the adults within a school to get involved in what’s happening between their students on school grounds. A policy change that differentiates victims, or potential victims, from aggressors will necessitate further investigation when fights occur. It will require the utmost in professional discretion, and action on the part of teachers, deans and principals. Fischer’s proposal leads us back toward fairness and justice. But is it enough?
The real work — as with most of the real work in education — begins in the home. But what we teach in the home won’t matter as long as we keep reinforcing the following erroneous cultural norms at school — norms that are held in place, first and foremost, by adults.
Sticks and stones. The notion that only physical violence is hurtful ignores the damage inflicted by verbal abuse. Words are powerful. Words can hurt. To a child, the cruel words of a peer spoken in front of other peers can be most cutting of all. Children are still forming their self-images, and the child’s mind can’t help but wonder whether the insult is true. In the words of Victoria Mendez, children can start to believe the words of one who bullies, “no matter how hard they try not to.”
Names can never hurt me. In a world with social media, it’s not hard to see that even some adults haven’t been taught to avoid name-calling. We need to teach our children that name-calling serves only to belittle other human beings, to separate them by alleging that they don’t belong. Name-calling is the hallmark of bullying. It strikes against the person instead of against his ideas or actions. It basically signifies that no amount of discussion will lead to conflict resolution, and indeed, that the one calling names is interested only in baiting a fight, not finding common ground. Instead of rewarding adults who engage in name-calling with their own radio shows, we need to expose them for what they are doing: bullying.
Ignore him and he’ll stop. When adults tell bullied children that their reactions are feeding the bully, they’re essentially shifting responsibility for the abuse onto the victim. The same is true when they tell a child to “toughen up.” Children cannot — and should not be expected to — ignore harassing or threatening behavior. Instead they need to be taught that when someone is bothering them, they are to report it to a trusted adult and expect action. They also need to know, as per Fischer’s policy proposal, they won’t get in trouble if, in the absence of appropriate adult intervention, they defend themselves hand-to-hand. (Clearly, we are not talking about weaponry, here.)
It’s between the kids. Unfortunately for Daniel Mendez, the adults he spoke with took either no action, or poor action, on his behalf. Instead of acting to remove and punish Daniel’s tormentors, the adults apparently outed him as a “snitch.” Daniel’s sister is right: children do need to stand up for each other when they witness bullying. But any self-respecting adult should feel deeply ashamed to hear her say that children simply cannot rely on the adults around them for help.
Protecting self-defenders at school from aggressors, by distinguishing who’s who, may be a good step toward ending bullying. But children shouldn’t have to physically defend themselves in order to be safe at school. The results, as in Daniel Mendez’s case, could be disastrous. Come on, grownups. We can do better than this.
Julie Delegal, a University of Florida alumna, is a contributor for Folio Weekly, Jacksonville’s alternative weekly, and writes for the family business, Delegal Law Offices. She lives in Jacksonville. Column courtesy of Context Florida.
