Florida Politics’ annual snarky guide to Halloween safety
Image via AP.

Watch out for drugs in the candy, y'all.

As kids across the state prepare to head out for a night of copious sugar halls and ghoulish good times, the state of Florida is again reminding parents and caregivers to exercise what should be the most basic of caution. 

The Florida Department of Health and the Florida Department of Law Enforcement partnered to provide another installment of no-brainer tips to ensure the scariest night of the year doesn’t turn into an actual horror story.

The advisory warns parents to carefully examine all candy for choking hazards (OK, that’s legit) and tampering (sure), warning that “illicit drug producers may target children with candy-colored pills.”

While we find it hard to believe a dealer would part with their pricey stash, and don’t particularly buy into the notion that it’s to get 7-year old Johnny hooked on fentanyl so they’ll rush to their not-so-friendly neighborhood dealer, there is some merit in candy diligence. Doctors warn that kids can easily mistake pot gummies or other colorful pills for candy. And the Florida advisory notes the risk and urges vigilance.

So secure your stash of edibles and steal a snicker or two as you make sure no one else’s stash made its way into your little ones’ plastic pumpkin. 

Their bottom line: “If in doubt, throw it out.” Conversely, if you happen to notice a package of “Stoner Patch Dummies” bearing a striking resemblance to real Sour Patch candies, employ the parent tax and enjoy the mellow whilst surviving the inevitable Halloween Sugar Crash of 2022.

The state also recommends avoiding the use of decorative contact lenses without an eye examination and prescription from an eye care professional.

“While the packaging on decorative lenses will often make claims such as ‘one size fits all’ or ‘no need to see an eye specialist,’ obtaining decorative contact lenses without a prescription is both dangerous and illegal,” the advisory reads. “This can cause pain, inflammation, serious eye disorders, and infections, which may lead to permanent vision loss.”

Now there’s a real-life nightmare!

The Florida safety recommendations also suggest dressing children in costumes that are bright and reflective, or adding reflective tape or striping to costumes and trick-or-treat bags for greater visibility. 

Likewise, they advise, avoid sharp or long swords, canes or sticks as costume accessories to avoid injury or tripping hazards. 

Here’s a pretty obvious piece of advice: make sure shoes fit. And ensure costumes aren’t too long to avoid tripping or possible contact with a heating source, such as a burning candle.

Side note: Who is this written for?

Some other pretty standard safety measures to employ: report suspicious activity to law enforcement; trick-or-treat in groups; supervise children under 12 or those not mature enough to be without adult supervision; only approach well-lit homes; watch out for cars; and avoid shortcuts through backyards, alleys or parks — anywhere danger might be lingering. 

At home, the state suggests clearing areas of tripping hazards, ensuring outdoor lights are functional, sweeping wet leaves from sidewalks and steps, and keeping pets restrained. 

Snarkiness aside, a bit of basic common sense and attentive parenting can ensure a fun, safe Halloween for kids this year. Crank up some Halloween tunes, enjoy a spooky cocktail and try not to eat all of your kid’s candy after they go to bed (sorry, Jimmy Kimmel).

Staff Reports


  • Joe Corsin

    October 31, 2022 at 9:51 am

    Don’t forget to check your kids candy for Fentanyl. Be afraid, be very afraid, and vote neo nazi GOP.


      October 31, 2022 at 3:28 pm

      AS ALWAYS, of course we will!! Everyone knows that FL loves our severely obese “little” DICKtators more than we love our children, our educators, the beaches or ANYTHING else in the world. Except for our lord and savior, Cheeto Jesus, DJTrump! SIEG HIEL CULT 45, SIEG HEIL!

  • Crystal Con

    October 31, 2022 at 11:33 am

    Better make sure the crook Stafford Jones didn’t use his shady political committee to mail you lies and Skittles.

  • Charlotte Greenbarg

    November 1, 2022 at 8:09 am

    Frothing far left loons are even more amusing 🤡🤪😜

Comments are closed.


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