Guest AuthorThe holidays are upon us and I am related to people who visit.
A lot.
They bring their kids, their gluten-free attitudes and about 900 hours of political ideas they want to try out on me.
I also travel quite a bit, staying with relatives when there isn’t a Hyatt nearby. I bring my kids, their vegetarian attitudes and about 900 hours of sports analysis they want to explore and discuss — with someone who won’t sip wine or ask about political topics instead.
This experience makes me uniquely qualified to spot a good host, or a good guest, almost immediately.
Nobody thinks they’re a horrible host. “My family visits, so I must be great!” That’s not true. Family members will still visit, because it’s free, and then discuss in closed FB chats your tendency to invade our personal space, interrupt almost every conversation and overuse paprika on a consistent basis.
Bad guests are awful, too. They arrive, annoy with opinions and manage to make long weekends horrendous rather than relaxing. I’ve had guests who suck the energy right out of my house, making me question how I could possibly share genetic traits with anyone who’d look at my beautiful new kitchen table and then encourage offspring to go at it with crayons to “show off Picasso-like skills.”
Here’s my attempt to help. I’m going to tell you what everyone else says behind your back.
A GOOD HOST:
— Supplies clean towels and linens. No one wants to sleep in dog hair or jump out of a shower to find a musty wash rag that smells like cow tongue.
— Has liquid soap available. That short, curly hair on a bar of soap? Not OK.
— Makes herself available. Does not disappear into bedroom and blame yoga. I tried that once. Apparently, it’s rude.
— Never orders two large pizzas for 15 people and then berates everyone for eating so much.
— Puts out a variety of food options (more is better) during breakfast, lunch, and dinner — encouraging everyone to help themselves — rather than waiting hours before offering a plate of dried seaweed and some water.
— Does not bang on the bathroom door wondering “WHAT’S THE PROBLEM” when you’re polite enough to flush twice during a particularly long session. A few dollars more on your water bill that month is preferable to a clogged toilet and flooded bathroom filled with poop. Trust me.
— Pours more than one glass of wine during dinner. Always.
— Stocks the fridge, pantry and liquor cabinet.
— Looks happy to see you.
— Won’t print a list of rules and require everyone to sign it.
— Empties drawers and closet in the guest room.
— Trains their dogs to abstain from sexually assaulting visitors.
— Turns off the television and starts a conversation.
— Never cleans up and then announces “the kitchen is closed” at noon.
— Does not press charges.
A GOOD GUEST:
— Goes to bed at a reasonable hour.
— Doesn’t ask for a WiFi password until at least three hours into the visit.
— Shuts up every now and then.
— Supervises their kids and knows that no one, NO ONE, thinks they’re cute.
— Uses her inside voice and does not start arguments with the neighbor over inappropriate stereo volume on a weekday night.
— Would never use a towel instead of toilet paper.
— Replaces anything their spawn has damaged. A good host might say, “Oh, don’t worry about it.” That’s when you leave cash under the pillow in the bedroom and tell them about it after you’ve arrived home.
— Flushes the toilet and removes all hair from the shower drain.
— Pays for dinner at least once. No exceptions.
— Does not do laundry or ask to borrow lube. Ever.
— Says “thank you” — a lot.
— Does not ask for salt or Sriracha before the meal has even been served.
— Stays at the Hyatt instead.
— Does not press charges.
I recommend you print this out and use it as a placemat during Thanksgiving dinner. Enjoy the holiday everyone.
Catherine Durkin Robinson is a political advocate and organizer, living in Tampa. Column courtesy of Context Florida.
