“Hello there, Gunshine State. Hello all you folks in the sunset of your winter snowboarding season – better then snow shoveling, right? And hello all you other freedom lovers, thanks for being here at the fair today!
“When I’m done talking, make sure you come visit the extinct, uh, the exotic species deep-fry tent on the midway. I’ll be there chowing down some sizzling saber-toothed tiger nuggets, and signing copies of my new book, ‘You Can’t Make This Up!’ So come say, ‘Hey!’ buy my book…and bring checks, no cash or plastic.
“Now, I’ll never forget how you people, all you sunshiny state American heroes so sick and tired of Democratic tyranny, how you stood up…well, some of you sorta wheeled or scooted or hopped up on those walking things you use, point is, you used your precious vote to put John McCain and me over the top and into the White House – twice!
“Well, actually, John got the White House. Me, Todd, Bristol, Willow, Trig, Track, Piper – and don’t forget our newest little pooper, Pepper – we’re, uh, not in the White House much. But we can change that come 2016!
“But why should you promote me from vice president to Mama grizzly-in-chief? Well, like Margaret Thatcher, the great lady who did to England what Mr. President Reagan did to the good old USA back in the day, like she said, ‘You wanna get something said, ask a man, but if you wanna get something done, ask a woman!’
“Just look at the impact I’ve had on Florida the past six years. While President McCain’s been fighting wars against Islamic terrorists on four or five fronts overseas, I’ve been working with my friends in that American Legislative Council, and with your great conservative Gov. Rick Scott, and with senior advisers Charles and David Koch, to give you the kind of state and government you want – lean and mean, so nobody messes with your American Dream!
“No radical communist health care or other government handouts, none of the hope ’n’ change hogwash some socialist salesman of a U.S. senator from Illinois keeps thinking will be his lottery ticket to win the White House.
“Nope, behind the scenes, I’ve helped save you Floridians from socialized health insurance, anti-poverty programs and all that pie-in-the-sky clean energy and green business BS. I’ve helped take away the so-called ‘choice’ so many Florida women used and abused to kill their unborn babies. I’ve helped get God back in the front row of schools, and get guns anywhere and everywhere you want them! Cause I love freedom!!
“In conclusion, let me say that elections have consequences. Every vote matters. In 2008 and again in 2012, I beat back – well, John and me beat back – Barack Hussein Obama’s bid to be your president. We didn’t win by many votes, and the liberals still whine about voter recession or franchising or something. But sore losers are still losers, plain and simple.
“Us? We won! And now just look at how far we’ve come…”
Daniel Tilson has a Boca Raton-based communications firm called Full Cup Media, specializing in online video and written content for non-profits, political candidates and organizations, and small businesses. Column courtesy of Context Florida.