Guest AuthorSix months remain until Election Day on Nov. 8. During this time, our beloved land and our frayed sensibilities will be assaulted by waves of political news, oratory, propaganda, lobbying, slogans, promises, distortions and outright lies.
All of it is aimed at placing a solitary, vulnerable mortal into the most powerful and perhaps the loneliest job on earth.
Political junkies will relish this pre-election tsunami. But many of us less-addictive creatures believe that life is more important than politics. Here are some suggestions of how we can withstand the avalanche of hogwash that’s coming our way:
Make a mathematical game of it.
Count things the candidates do, or don’t do. For openers, keep track of the number of times any candidate responds to a “yes or no” question by actually saying yes or no.
You won’t find more than eight instances between now and November. “Candidate Buhlskit, are you or are you not in favor of capital punishment for someone who strangles his/her grandmother while she is saying the rosary? Yes or no?”
Typical candidate’s response: “That’s a difficult question, because of such factors as the grandmother’s age, her life insurance status and whether she was actually a Catholic. I recall a day in 1974 when my Grammie said to me…yadda yadda.”
Another example: “Candidate Buhlskit, is it true that you always become sexually aroused when you hear a band playing Sousa’s march, ‘Stars and Stripes Forever?’ Yes or no?”
Candidate’s answer: “First, let me remind you that Sousa’s bloodlines were Spanish and Portuguese on his father’s side, and Hessian on his mother’s side. This complex heritage could explain his tendency to yadda his yadda….”
Create betting pools.
Gather a dozen or so of your acquaintances. Everyone kicks in 10 bucks. Each bettor chooses the possible date when certain things will happen. Such as:
— the first day in which Bernie Sanders makes a speech without flailing his arms about like a turkey about to take flight.
— when Hillary Clinton finally stops wearing that god-awful green outfit with the Sanskrit decorations all over it.
The bettors who pick the closest dates when these things occur will split the kitty.
Hold our own Fox News beauty contests.
I strongly suspect that Fox News has one primary goal for its TV coverage: to hire female panelists with the prettiest legs in the western hemisphere.
Each day Fox produces at least one five-person panel discussion: one man surrounded by four lovely women, each wearing short skirts that give viewers a “bird’s eye view of Sydney” (to quote from that old song, “The Tattooed Lady.”) With such distractions for viewers to contend with, who cares if the panelists are well-informed or just well-formed?
What I’m suggesting is a contest in which viewers cast ballots for the woman with the best legs. The winner would be announced on Election Day. Prize money would come from Victoria’s Secret or some other think tank.
Critics may protest that my suggestion discredits the quality of Fox News’ political discussions. Oh? Have you listened closely to those people?
Practice a political Sabbath.
One day a week, from midnight to midnight, avoid all mention of politics, whether on TV, radio, print media, billboards, graffiti, bumper stickers or conversations with your friends.
Is there a danger you might miss something important? Unlikely. Besides, the events will be talked about relentlessly the next day. A better idea: take entire weeks off .
Maintain political wisdom.
We should not fear election results, no matter what. Our country has survived because of, and in spite of, whoever has called 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. his home. We will continue to do so. Between today and Nov. 8, we can take some wry comfort in the following quotations:
“Freedom is just chaos, with better lighting.” (Alan Dean Potter, author of “The Star Wars” novel.)
“The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.” (George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright.)
“Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.” (Unknown).
“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.” (Milton Berle, comedian.)
“Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.” (Robert Byrne, writer.)
“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.” (Plato, Greek philosopher).
“Practical politics consists in ignoring the facts.” (Henry Adams, journalist.)
“The only way I can lose this election is if I’m caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.” (Edwin Edwards, former governor of Louisiana).
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Bob Driver writes for the Tampa Bay Newspapers. His email address is [email protected]. Column courtesy of Context Florida.
