Guest AuthorMany people are still outraged about Miley Cyrus and the bootylicious twerking she did with Robin Thicke on a recent television show, but angry adults won’t make the tackiness go away.
Instead, let twerking work for us.
Floridians of all ages should get their rumps rolling and their tongues dangling, just as Miley did when she impersonated a rookie stripper with her ungainly, unsexy strut across the stage.
The sight of adults twerking at the nearest shopping mall will make young people immediately declare twerking to be deader than Billy Ray Cyrus’ achy-breaky heart.
Imagine grown-ups in Clearwater twerking in the dessert line at the Golden Corral. Or senior citizens at The Villages twerking in the town square, and maybe even twerking as they zoom about in their golf carts. Twerking would be an entertaining exercise for the good ol’ boys to do between races at Five Flags Speedway in Pensacola.
Twerking might even be good for the grumpy old guys who spend retirement days on their couch watching Fox News and worrying about people walking on the lawn. If the Foxaphiles twerk a few times on their porch, the lawn-stompers will flee forever.
Whenever young people come up with a fad to irritate the old folks, the old folks predictably respond with outrage, shaking their fists and muttering about “kids these days.”
This is why we still have young guys walking around with their pants at half-mast, clutching their crotches and lurching along like the prison inmates who made the look popular 15 years ago.
Ever since the low-flying pants first became fashionable, politicians periodically burst into outrage and try to pass laws against such stuff.
Let’s fight fire with satire.
Communities should organize parades celebrating the droopy-drawers stroll. Fill Main Street with fathers, uncles, coaches, ministers, teachers and grandpas, all struggling to swagger with their pants near their knees.
The young folks will gag.
Fad over. Pants raised. Belts buckled.
This is why Florida should encourage twerking for folks of all ages. Think of the benefits:
• Some of my fellow seniors need to get movin’ and groovin’. Maybe shakin’ and bakin’ will make them less cranky.
• Twerking could lead to medical breakthroughs. As age and gravity afflict us, many men lose their backsides — literally – while many women expand. But with more twerking by seniors, there would be more demand for butt transplants so men could get more jiggle in their wiggle.
• Twerking could even decide our next governor’s race, where incumbent Rick Scott may face his predecessor, Charlie Crist.
How’s a voter to decide? Scott was a Tea Party guy before he edged toward the center, but is that a facade so he can get re-elected and resume throwing widows and orphans from their homes?
And which Charlie will the new Crist be — “Chain Gang” Charlie, rockribbed Republican, or doting Democrat Charlie dancing to Barack Obama’s tune?
The simple solution: A televised twerking contest. Then voters can see how the candidates really roll.
