Phil Ammann
Grownup conversations aren’t easy to master. As I get older, I’m amazed at how many of us still need help simply being appropriate. I wanted my sons, Jacob and Zachary, to be fairly comfortable making eye contact, discussing common topics with ease, and relating to people they are both similar to and different from in social situations.
Without using their phones or rated R quotes from 1980s comedies.
Dive right in
They practiced shaking hands and introducing themselves every time we went out in public and met someone new. They would try to start conversations, but adults aren’t always comfortable talking with children. After middle school started, Jacob and Zachary got more practice actually talking to people.
It helps that they’re interested in sports and politics – those two topics cover just about anything.
They also practiced saying, “How are you?” and actually listening to the response.
Mid-talk
Have you ever been asked a question, proceed to elaborate, only to be interrupted by someone who says, “I know what you mean” and then proceeds to talk about herself for the next 10 minutes?
It can be awkward when you are asked your opinion about something, only to end up listening to what the other person thinks, even though you never asked.
Instead of bringing every topic back to themselves and being a serial one-upper, I taught my boys these essential phrases.
“Really? How so?”
“Tell me more.”
“That’s great. What else?”
“Why?”
“Amazing.”
“That’s pretty cool.”
When someone tells us his or her opinion, experience, outlook or philosophy, we fight the urge to chime in with our own. A conversation shouldn’t be a competition.
Social situations can be a great time to learn about something we didn’t otherwise know. If we want to share our opinion, we can wait until someone asks us.
If no one asks? Start a website.
In conclusion
“Take care!”
“Nice talking to you.”
“Keep me posted.”
What if a normal conversation turns into an argument?
As a Jewish woman of Irish descent, I enjoy a good row. Arguing, when done properly, is a wonderful way to learn. First, you make your point clearly and politely. Then you listen to the other side. Then you both pause for a moment and think.
Rinse and repeat.
Unfortunately, not everyone does this and sometimes voices are raised. Other times eyes are rolled and shoulders shrugged. Every once in a while someone curses or says “Whatever.” I’ve even heard of instances where names are called, doors are slammed and feelings get hurt.
But enough about raising teenagers.
My Uncle Joe has often said, “You can’t have a battle of the wits with someone who’s unarmed.”
If friends are tired and cranky, if relatives are getting older and no longer have filters, or if neighbors don’t care that you have to get up in the morning – here are ways that you can stop an argument in its track and without bloodshed.
“You may be right.”
This is for when there is absolutely no way for any other peaceful conclusion. Say it with a smile.
They hear “You are right” but we really mean “You’re dead wrong.”
Everyone wins and we part without being kicked out of another will.
“You make a very good point.”
It boosts the ego, they move on to discuss the Jets’ lineup this year, and everyone else can go back to reading their phones.
“I’m sorry for all my shortcomings.”
I can’t think of a better response to those folks who keep a running tab of every mistake we’ve made since third grade. I actually had a T-shirt made with a similar saying on it.
I wear it a lot.
At some point, I tell my kids, that defending yourself sounds defensive. Just apologize and move on. Life is too short.
I’m not sure if all this will make Jacob and Zachary the kind of people you want to hang out with at a party. If not, well … take care!
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Catherine Durkin Robinson co-parents twin sons, organizes families for advocacy purposes, writes syndicated columns, mentors kids, runs a few races, and wonders out loud about everything. Column courtesy of Context Florida.
