- 2016 presidential election
- 2016 presidential nomination
- 2016 Republican primary
- bone spurs
- Donald Trump
- draft deferments
- Edward Snowden
- Forbes magazine
- Jon Stewart
- Michael Forbes
- North Sea
- Oval Office
- President Barack Obama
- Sen. John McCain
- Spirit of Scotland Awards
- Trump International Golf Links
- Viet Cong
- Vietnam War
- Vladimir Putin
“He’s not a war hero. He was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”
— Donald J. Trump on Sen. John McCain’s military record
“America’s id is running for president.”
— Jon Stewart on Donald J. Trump
Habitually clad in a navy suit with a headdress apparently fashioned from the shed fur of a street tabby, the preening, boasting, antisocial, aggressive, and flat-out tacky part of the national psyche has lately been seen swaggering onto a stage in Iowa, sneering at a U.S. senator’s time as a prisoner of the Viet Cong.
POWs are losers.
The id itself received four draft deferments during the Vietnam war and was finally disqualified, allegedly because of a bone spur on its foot. The id doesn’t recall which foot.
The id demands that America boycott Mexico for sending over all those rapists and killers, which Mexico totally did on purpose. Then build a huge wall. When others suggested a wall would be expensive and difficult, what with the permitting and the land acquisition and the way people can climb over and tunnel under walls, the id replies, “I’m considered a great builder, by everybody.”
The id adds, “Hispanics love me.” It insists it will win the Latino vote because of all the great, high-paying jobs it will give them – as soon as they get through cleaning the toilet.
Somewhat inconveniently, a recent Univision poll found that 71 percent of Latinos find the id hellaciously offensive. The id responds: Univision is for losers. And clowns. And Mexican rapists.
Speaking to a bunch of evangelical Christians, the id allowed as how it never asked God for forgiveness: “If I do something wrong, I think, I just try and make it right. I don’t bring God into that picture. I don’t.”
The id does at least credit the Almighty with making it the most brilliant being on the planet. Sometimes the id even goes to church, where “I drink the little wine, which is about the only wine I drink, and I eat the little cracker.”
God should be flattered. Does God even know how rich this guy is? Very, very, like, totally, awesomely, majestically, hugely rich. At least $10 billion. Probably more. Richer than Mexico.
Forbes magazine says it’s more like $4 billion. Some writer once said it was only $125 million, but the id sued him, sued him really hard and almost totally won, except some stupid judge threw out the case.
And speaking of Forbeses, some farmer in Scotland named Michael Forbes – no relation to Malcolm, Steve and those other guys – had the opportunity to sell his crummy little bit of land on the North Sea to become part of the Trump International Golf Links. But he refused.
“He lives like a pig,” the id said of Farmer Forbes. “In America, we’d call his place a slum.”
Farmer Forbes was later voted “Top Scot” in the 2012 Spirit of Scotland Awards. Which just goes to show that particular so-called country is a joke.
As for Barack Obama, it’s his fault. What? Everything. Are you stupid or something? The guy was born in Kenya. So what if he showed some kind of birth certificate from Hawaii. “A lot of people question it … I certainly question it,” says the id.
The Iran deal? “Dumb. Terrible.” The Chattanooga shootings? The blame is totally Obama’s for pushing all this “political correctness.” We should lock Muslims up in prison. All of them. And fire Obama. Did you know he made our gross domestic product go “below zero?”
So-called “pundits” and “math majors” and “economists” claim that’s not actually possible. They’re clowns.
Once the idster’s in the Oval Office, things will be great: “Oh, would China be in trouble!” Of course, the id “loves the Chinese,” just as he loves the Mexicans. But China’s “leaders are much smarter than our leaders,” because we’re stuck with stupid Obama.
That’s going to change. Putin will have to “give back” Edward Snowden. Iraq will give us all the oil or we’ll bomb them. We’ll definitely bomb ISIS and take all their stuff. Maybe we’ll bomb Mexico while we’re at it.
In related news, CNN reports that Trump is still on top of the Republican polls.
Diane Roberts teaches at Florida State University. Column courtesy of Context Florida.