Joe Henderson
The irony of the Legislature even considering a pair of bills requiring happy couples to read a yet-to-be-written Guide to a Healthy Marriage before they can wed is … is … (looking for the right word here) … laughable.
Unless the guide is titled “Do As We Say, Not As We Do” can these people not realize how ridiculous it looks to even think about telling others how to achieve wedded bliss after turning the capitol into Caligula’s playpen?
But, this is the Legislature, and so we ponder SB 1580, filed by Lakeland Republican Kelli Stargel, and HB 1323 by Jacksonville Republican Clay Yarborough that would create, no kidding, a Marriage Education Committee.
What could go wrong with a group like that?
The bills basically would require happy couples to get a copy of the guide and read it before they could get a marriage license – or, I guess, a healthy marriage license.
Would there be a test later?
Sample question: Your spouse likes the Patriots. You like the Eagles. The bet was that the loser cleans the bathroom, but the losing spouse is too distraught to complete the task. Do you: A): Say that’s all right honey, but you should know better than to bet against Nick Foles. B): Shame them on social media for backing out of the bet, along with a photo-shopped image of the losing spouse in an Eagles jersey?
But, OK, I’ll play along.
I do have some modest experience in the marriage arena, having been united with my one and only wife for going on 37 years now. We had counseling with our pastor before we said our vows. As I recall, it basically was, “Treat each other nice and with respect.”
But no, the Legislature thinks it can do this better. The plan would have a six-person committee do the work. Two representatives each would be appointed by the governor, House Speaker, and Senate President. That’s five too many. Actually, it’s six too many – but I digress. Maybe if this inane proposal ever becomes law, I can save the group that would be assembled to write the guide some time.
I imagine the committee would discuss ideas on conflict resolution, money, sex (Tallahassee has a lot of experts in that area), and who gets control of the TV remote.
Here are some ideas about that:
CONFLICT RESOLUTION: Most of the time, I have found conflict goes away when I say the magic words: “Yes, dear.” I might give occasional mild pushback in the form of “can this wait a minute?” if my beloved chooses the final seconds of a tie game to complain about work or decide the pool needs draining, but the “pause” button on the remote is a lifesaver in those situations where she won’t be denied.
Or couples could always follow the Tallahassee model, which says Republicans are in charge of the House, Senate and Governor’s mansion, so Democrats can lump it – also known as the Archie Bunker strategy. 
MONEY: This one is kind of serious. If you marry young, remember that with any luck you will be old one day and need money, so it’s a good idea to save some now.
WHICH FAMILY GETS PRIORITY ON HOLIDAYS: Another tricky landmine, but you can tip-toe through it. For instance, go to one set of in-laws for Thanksgiving dinner, then the other for dessert. Try to plan so you’re at the house with the better TV later in the day because that’s when the best football games are on. If that in-law doesn’t like football, feign illness and let them think it was the fault of the other in-laws.
CHILDREN: It took two of you to make them, and it will take two of you to raise them.
SEX: Tallahassee loves to crawl into your bed and tell you how to do things. No shortage of advice here. Just Google “sex” and “Florida Legislature” for additional guidance.
Get real. Lawmakers want to advise couples in Florida on how to have successful marriages? They want to make people read a guide with the Legislature’s pawing prints all over it before they can wed?
Tell you what: you first.
